Where You Lead, I Will Follow

 I was watching The Chosen with my 9 year old Daughter a couple nights ago. It was the last episode of season 1 where Nicodemus is struggling with his decision of whether or not to follow Jesus. 

About 10 mins after the scene where Nicodemus is broken and torn over his decision to stay behind and not follow Jesus, my Daughter pauses the show and says:

“I just need a minute to think about Nicodemus. I’m just wondering if I was in his same situation, what I would do. Would I leave my family and follow Jesus?” 

To which I responded how I know that’s a difficult thing to consider. It’s hard to think about what it would be like to leave our family, our comfort and our homes behind. It’s easy to say “Of course I would follow Jesus, no question. No matter what the cost.” As Christians, that’s our heart’s desire, to love Christ above all else and follow Him wherever he leads us in this life. But, what a sobering and humbling thing to actually have to put feet to that faith. How many times have you actually found yourself having to CHOOSE Jesus and His plan for your life over a loved one? It was a hypothetical scenario to consider for my sweet 9 year old, who accepted Christ as her Savior at just 7 years old. But it really made her think and I love that! 

So I gave her the closest scenario in my life that I could relate to what that must be like, to choose to follow Jesus above all else. No matter the cost or the circumstances.

Up until a few months ago, I had never found myself “angry” with God. I have been angry with people, angry with circumstances, angry with life, but could never really relate to being angry with God. I had heard so many testimonies over time of people’s struggles in life causing seasons of tension and anger toward God in their hearts and that had always been such a sad concept to me and it still is, only now, I can relate to how it feels. 

In February of this year, the Alabama Court of Criminal Appeals denied Cody’s request for appeal (per our request for them to reconsider their May ‘21 ruling). It was becoming abundantly clear that my husband was probably going to have to go back to prison for a crime he did not commit, God had no intentions of removing this cup from us and I was angry with God. 

I knew He had the power to fix this and I just couldn’t grasp why He wasn’t. He gave me this wonderful man as a gift from above to love and serve Him together. He is a wonderful husband, leader, Father and my best friend. We NEED him here. I just couldn’t make sense of it and I was mad. 

Why wasn’t He fixing this? Why did He give me this man to love, only to let him be taken away from me??

As I was explaining all of this to Cody one night a few months ago, I was sobbing and I said “It’s like Jesus is standing right in front of me in this living room and I can hear Him saying, “choose me”.” He was taking the ONE person on this Earth He calls me to love above everyone else, second only to Himself and asking me to choose. Because there was no doubt, what He was calling us to was so much bigger than us. Cody going back to prison has so much more to do with God’s kingdom than it has to do with us. We may not have gotten a choice in the matter of Cody going back, but we certainly have a choice of whether or not we are going to be angry with God or praise Him in our storm and give Him the glory He deserves, even in the pain. 

The weekend after Cody’s appeal was denied by the Alabama Court of Criminal Appeals, after a few days of struggling through my frustrations with God, we went to church and I will never forget this feeling, but I had to MAKE myself worship. As long as I’ve known Christ as my Savior, I’ve never felt that way before. I had to push myself to worship my Father, who deserves absolutely nothing but praise. It was an awful feeling and I pray that I never feel that way again. But, as I worshipped, I could feel the walls I had been putting up all week, start to crumble. 

By the end of the service, I was begging God to forgive me for my selfishness and anger. Nothing good that we have in this life really belongs to us, it’s all His and He deserves the glory. If I had chosen to stay angry and let my bitterness take over, then all of this pain would be for nothing. Satan would be winning in so much more than just Cody’s court case. No good would come out of this at all and that would be a shame. So, I will follow Jesus. I will watch as He changes hearts and lives, including our own, through these circumstances. My life, my husband’s life, our Daughters’ lives, it’s all in His hands. He loves us and only wants good for us. He is drawing us closer to Himself every day and I have learned so much in these last couple months about Him, about myself and about my husband. We have experienced an intimacy with Christ I am certain we never would have known without this season of pain and waiting we are in.

So I encouraged my sweet Daughter, that no matter what, choosing to follow Jesus will never let her down. It will never be a disappointment. It might not always be an easy choice, but it will always be a good one, the right one.

“Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭16:24‬ ‭