Reflection: 3 Year Conviction Anniversary

I’ve spent the past several days reflecting over the last few years. 

Cody’s trial dates were 11/18/19-11/22/19, so this week has been a tough one for me for a lot of reasons.

Three years ago today, Cody was convicted of heat of passion manslaughter for the on-duty shooting of Gregory Gunn. A couple of months later, in January 2020, he was sentenced to 14 years in prison with not so much as a speeding ticket on his record up to this point. 

How could this happen? He did his job exactly as he was trained to do it. 

Why are we here? When will this end? 

God, don’t you hear us? 

After three years of fighting through the appeal process and now waiting on an opinion from the Alabama Supreme Court, we still find ourselves so deeply consumed by this fire, that I am almost numb to the burning. 

Through prayer and a lot of tears in the quiet by myself this week, I knew I wanted to share something today but I didn’t know exactly what that would look like. 

As I’m typing this, I still don’t really know where I’m going with it and what exactly God wants me to say.

As easy as it would be to spend a considerable amount of time complaining about how unfair all of this is, how hard it is raising our girls without my husband, how angry I am at the people responsible for the injustice and how disappointed I am in the silent majority who have been too afraid to speak up for way too long, complaining won’t change anything. 

Cody will still be in prison and the people that suck will still suck, so I won’t waste everyone’s time getting into all of that.

Instead, I’ll share what’s really resonated with me the most over this time of reflection, in hopes that it will benefit someone else who may also be in the fiery furnace.

If you’re going through a fire right now, remember these things:

1. Don’t confuse your bad circumstances for a bad or unloving God. 

Life can be so dark and heavy sometimes that these two lines can become easily blurred. Never forget that every good and perfect gift comes from above. 

Anything less than good did not come from God. We live in a fallen and sin tainted world. Satan can use that reality to make it seem like God doesn’t have only the absolute best plans to prosper us. 

Don’t let Satan whisper those lies into your heart.

Rest assured that whatever you’re facing, no matter how scary and overwhelming it may seem right now, if you can’t find good in it, God isn’t finished writing that part of your story yet. God is still good even when your circumstances are bad. So, take that pain, confusion, anger and bitterness straight to the Father’s feet and lay it all down. 

The good is coming and it starts with letting go of all the bad, not letting go of God.

 2. Stop trying to understand God-sized situations with   your human-sized brain

I think this has probably been the hardest one for me to come to terms with.

It can be a daily struggle for me at times.

I am met with encouraging words from friends quite often that sound a lot like this: 

 “Put your faith and trust in Jesus, He can pull y’all out of this fire. He can bring Cody home and right every wrong that’s been done to your family”. 

Sweet friend, there has never been any doubt about that. I know that the God we serve has all the power and sovereignty needed to eliminate every enemy that stands in our path. 

I know that with a single word, He can move this mountain in front of us and I have not stopped praying for that. Not for a second.

My struggle has been in trying to understand why He hasn’t done that yet. Because I KNOW He can, understanding why he hasn’t has been a really hard thing for me to work through. 

After having a sort of tug of war in my heart over this matter, I decided that I have to stop trying to understand it.

It’s a God-sized situation. 

I’ve just got to continue doing what He calls me to do, while I watch Him do God-sized stuff in the middle of our storm.

I will keep praying for His provision for my sweet husband, believing that He will come through and continue to follow Him while we wait for Him to do just that. 

Trying to understand a God-sized plan with my human-sized brain has only led to confusion, distrust, frustration and fear. 

His word says:

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.”

‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭3‬:‭5‬-‭6‬ ‭

My advice? Take His. 

 3. Use it or you’ll lose it 

Cody and I have talked about this point multiple times over the past several years. 

If we weren’t actively seeking how God intends for us to use this season to bring Him glory, we would probably have lost our minds by now. 

The weight of it would have crushed us.

Use your storm to help others weather theirs. Look for who God has for you to reach in the midst of it. 

Even if it’s just one. 

If you don’t use it, then all those tears, all that pain, all the molding, shaping and growing would be for nothing and wouldn’t that be a shame?

We probably won’t ever know the full magnitude of how God is using this time in our lives to further His kingdom, and that’s okay. 

We can just rest in knowing that He is. 

If you made it this far, THANK YOU. I only have one more and it came to me late, while the house was quiet and I felt like I couldn’t ignore it.

It’s actually making me cringe a little to leave it at 4 points because for some reason my brain tells me to stop at 3 or 5…4 is just oddly even and weird. But, I digress.

4. The fire is temporary but the effects of it are permanent 

Listen, after going through some things, you quickly learn that you have little to no control over when/where/how the fires in your life will start. One minute things are fine and the next it’s a whole blaze. 

But what you do have control over is what you let those fires do to you.

You get to choose to let the fire refine you or destroy you. 

Don’t let Satan have his way. 

Make him regret ever striking the match 🔥 

Dear Lord, 

Thank you for revealing your heart to us when ours are broken. And, thank you for using us in the midst of our storm to show your love to others. As we come into another holiday season without our best guy, please help us keep our eyes fixed on you instead of the storm, so that we don’t sink.

In Jesus Name, Amen.